My Enemies List

Enemies

I decided to update my enemies list. So here are my current enemies.

  • Bread
  • Oh delicious bread, how I both love and hate you at the same time. I love you because you reward my mouth with delectable morsels of joy which never cease to satisfy. Fluffy bites of goodness that can be covered in almost anything making you that much more tasty. I hate you because you stop by my waistline and won’t ever go away.

  • Windows Mobile
  • Port Windows 95 to a phone and you expected it to work? Not brilliant in ever increasing and less amusing ways. So bad it will destroy your hardware by overheating and meting it. So slow that it will make your 600 MHz ARM CPU feel like a 80286 processor rip-off from China. Only silly monolithic corporations will buy you any more and the average tech-neophyte consumer knows you are worse then Windows ME ever dreamed of. A stylus? Seriously? How 2002 is that? Stop pretending you’re a phone and please die a horrible death now that you have almost no market share remaining. The little OS that couldn’t and never should have been. Oh how I love my iPhone.

  • Old drivers who should have their license revoked
  • Swerving in and out of the lane ahead of you, going way too slow in the fast lane, not knowing there is such a thing as the fast lane, signaling for a lane change three intersections too soon. These are the people whose license should be torn up and forced to ride on public transportation. Please take your Buick and retire it in the old folks’ retirement castle parking lot.

  • Pippi Longstocking
  • The only person, place, or thing more annoying than Barney the purple dinosaur. Pippi was fine when she only existed in the form of children’s books. Once she morphed and crossed over into films and television it was all over but the screaming from the padded cell. The Swedes should be thoroughly beaten with a dead cat for this torture they have inflicted upon humanity. Even the Soviets figured it out after they made a rip-off version and people rioted. Pippi in any language is crap.

  • NBC
  • The only thing keeping this once proud peacock in business is football. You have one show in the top 25, The Office. You only have two good shows left, 30 Rock, and The Office. You killed off your only other good show, Chuck. SNL is anything but good or original, it is everything including irrelevant. Thank goodness you didn’t move BSG from the SciFi SyFy Channel to NBC. No one wonders why you are going out of business. Everyone know but you. Jeff and Jeff should have been fires a long time ago (Jeff Zucker and Jeffrey Immelt). You suck. You are not too big to fail. P.S. Tartikoff and Welch are in fact embarrassed.

  • Stupid People
  • The interminable, impossible to eradicate enemy. Enough said.

  • Impossible to open plastic shell anti-theft packaging
  • How many people have you injured? We have to resort to “Frustration-Free Packaging” to escape you? We have dedicated tools for opening this crap which come in an impossible to open package? You have destroyed modern civilization. Attention product packaging designers, I am not a thief, I am not going to steal your crappy product that you tried to make look better than it was by sticking it in a hard shell plastic case that cannot be opened before the apocalypse. So knock it off. All I want for Christmas is a package that opens easily.

  • Doctor Waiting Rooms
  • First, I am very impatient. Second, I am very impatient patient. Third, I am very impatient in lines. Making me wait, and wait, in a room full of sick people all equally irritable and feverishly worked up to contaminate me with who knows what foul ailment, infirmity, or disease is the worst kind of torture imaginable. Then to put me in a queue of people is like contracting Ebola virus while already having the Hantavirus. To be defiled by some hitherto unimaginable infectious contagion while simultaneously forcing me to choose between reading the current issue of Highlights magazine or the ten year old issue of National Geographic about some island now completely underwater is enemy who is almost impossible to defeat.

  • Grocery store check out lines that make me interact with a human
  • I only want to buy this one little item. That’s all I want, really. I don’t want to deal with a human and be asked if I found everything okay, invited to purchase the extreme buy of the day, nor buy the crappy DVD on sale that came out last Tuesday. I would like to silently scan the bar code on my item, place it in the bag, swipe my credit card and walk away. Does anyone actually go inside of a gas station when they only want gas? No. Please join the 21st century and install fully automated checkout kiosks.

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